Eid! The time some of us eagerly wait for every year has finally come. This is when I decided to pour my heart out through this media. Well, just like any other student I also had a huge crush on a guy in my university but this was a bit different. Where do I start from? Let me start from saying I am not the type of person that easily falls for people, in fact, this was the first time I had a crush on someone, a crush so deep.
It was the time I was new to the campus what do we call it again? Oh yeah “a JJC”. First few weeks were very difficult for me not in terms of academics as erm well I am a bit good with that but in terms of making friends or even just a single friend. I being an introvert never actually associated with much people so been in a relationship was far from something I would even try but then it happened, I saw him for the first time in his blue jacket and guess what? Boom! I fell for him. I finally had a crush and that too on my classmate.
As history has it, girls have been shy we’d always keep such things to ourselves and so did I. I would always be eager to see him, my eyes always searching for him and there was a plus point he was better in academics than I so I’d always find an excuse to getting tutorials from him. To me, it was less about his tutorials and more about him. With time I soon got to blend in with him and his friends.
I got more confidence that I was going to tell him about my feelings for him but then when things are going too well whether in movies, books or real-life there’s always something that ruins it and that’s what happened. It turned out he liked someone else and pretty everyone knew it. Woah! That was like a mini heartbreak to me, after all, it was the first a nerd like I fell for someone. After been consoled by a friend I finally decided to move on with my studies.
My mantra after then was “No distractions, no crush thingy, no looking at boys rather him and concentrate on books. Got to make Mum and Dad proud”. Which I did but then it was always difficult to avoid him especially when we were attending lectures in the same theatre and the worst part is I would always feel bad and get jealous when he is with his girl.
When I couldn’t take it any longer I took the dumbest decision of getting into a relationship myself thinking it might make me forget him and it worked, maybe. For some months the relationship went well and I was happy but as they say, we shouldn’t make rash decisions especially when it came to relationship and it turned out I made the wrong choice as I caught the guy I was dating, cheating on me twice. Every time it left me heartbroken.
Did I mention I was still chatting up my crush? Wait! Don’t tag me as a cheat already as it was just a friendly chat. Every time I was been cheated on by that guy, my crush would always be the one to try make us up and by doing that I was actually liking my crush more and liking my boyfriend less. One day, it had to end, I couldn’t have the big heart to forgive the cheat again and I left him. I was left heartbroken for some weeks with no one to talk to and that fact was killing me.
Finally, I decided to talk to someone on my heartbreak and the best person I had and trusted then was my crush! Again! I must admit he was a good listener or should I say chatter (is there even a word like that?). We always talked less in person or not even talk at all (my own reason was he always made me nervous) but we would chat as if we knew each other for years and with time we became even more open with each other.
On one very courageous day for me, I finally decided to confess my feelings for him. Yes! I did it. I told him I liked him and I guess he was pretty much surprised. For some reasons, we cut contacts for months. Then, after a long time I decided to be the hero again and chatted him up keeping my ego aside, with his replies at first been one sided soon turned out into a normal conversation and I decided to keep my liking aside thinking he might not like to talk about it.
After some days of chatting, it was his turn to confess. He told me how he now likes me too. I was on cloud nine, I was so happy like never before. Soon chats turned into us meeting and talking in person. Everything was like a beautiful dream that I never wanted to end, but it did as this pandemic of a thing started and we had to part ways. I still remember the last words he said to me before we bid adieu that “It might take months for the break to be over with the strike, I don’t know when we are going to meet again but we will surely meet”. After which, both of us left for our respective homes.
Time went by, our bonding grew through chatting, but soon misunderstandings occurred which lead to us not talking but then I would still be the one apologizing and making things right. I didn’t want to lose him so I took all the faults and made up with him.
One fateful day, I couldn’t control my emotions and I lashed out at him. Since then nothing was okay between us. After a month of ignoring each other, I realized how childish it was to blame him for something that I myself couldn’t even handle so well. We usually expect the person we like to be perfect, forgetting the fact that we liked them initially for their imperfections then why is it that with time we expect the other person to have all the qualities we think is perfect? And if we don’t get that it turns into us thinking we made the wrong choice which is not completely true.
We should learn to accept people the way they actually are, we shouldn’t try to change them and lastly, we shouldn’t expect them to be perfect or pretend to be perfect just because they like or love us as they’re humans just like us with flaws. Let’s learn to love and accept each other’s imperfections. I am saying all these now because he made me realize these facts. I shouldn’t have expected one person to have all the perfect qualities I wanted. He had his flaws which I couldn’t understand at that time and likewise, I have my own flaws which he couldn’t understand.
Almost four months now and we have not spoken, as a lady I should have moved on perhaps maybe with another guy, but I just couldn’t, maybe because somehow somewhere I still know the feelings I have for him is maybe more than just ‘like’ and a part of me still wants him back. I just hope it is not too late. If he is reading this then please let’s talk otherwise, I will understand that it’s too late. I now end my incomplete crush story with the lyrics of this song by MARINA
“I don’t really know a lot about love, a lot about love, a lot about love, but you’re in my head, you’re in my blood, And it feels so good, it hurts so much”.
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- Some Disappointments are Blessings in Disguise
- It is not just about passion. It needs hard work, dedication and focus.
- Up North: Love Made Me do Extraordinary Things.
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